tanong

Paano ko ba sasabihin na sana kaibigan pa rin kita? Paano ko ipapaalam na gusto ko lang ay kalimutan kung saan naging mali ang lahat sa pagitan nating dalawa?

Gusto kong ibalik ang panahon at pagkakataon na masaya tayong dalawa. Yung mga panahon na pinagtatawanan mo ako at pinagtatawanan kita. Yung mga panahon na pwede akong magtanong kung kumusta ka na. At yung mga panahon na hindi mo alam kung ano ang mga pinagdaanan ko sa kanya.

Gusto ko pa yung mga panahon na pwede tayong magsabay sa pagkain. Sa pagkanta. Sa pagtawa. Yung pwede kitang isama kahit saan. Yung mga panahon na nagtatanong ang lahat kung ano bang meron tayo pero wala lang tayong pakialam kase wala naman talaga.

Namimiss kong maging kaibigan ka. Pero hindi naman pwede dahil ayaw mo (yata). Minsan naisip ko, ang damot damot mo. Pero minsan naisip ko rin makasarili ako. Gusto kong maintindihan kung bakit nagkamali ang mga emosyon. Sana hindi na lang tumulo ang mga luha mula sa aking mga mata. Sana hindi na lang ako nasaktan at sana hindi ka na lang nagtanong kung bakit ako nasasaktan. Sana nung araw na yon, hindi tayo nagkasabay. At sana hindi ko na lang sinabi kung bakit ako malungkot. Sana hindi ka na lang nakinig. Sana hindi mo na lang ako pinansin.

Pero tapos na. Nangyari na. Ayaw ko na ring umasa na magiging kaibigan pa kita. Pero sana wag mo na ring iparamdam na iba ako. Sana totoong wala ka na talaga. Dahil habang lalo kang umiiwas, lalo ko lang nararamdaman ang pagkakaiba ko sa lahat ng tao sa mundong ginagalawan nating dalawa.

too many is too little

It took me minutes before words came out. Like I forced it. Like I have mustered all muscles and sweat. It wasn’t like the old times when thoughts were like fireflies that flicker endlessly. I really find it difficult to collect myself into writing when I’m alright. I’m alright? Am I? Well, yes I am.

The thing is, I’m still doomed with problems. I’m not off the hook. I guess I would never be. Problems just come and go. Life just goes on. Maybe I have learned to be happy with these things around me. That’s faith. That’s trusting the GOOD LORD that you are destined to be someone by choice. That’s believing that things are for the best. That’s not minding people who were born to give you misery. That’s letting go of friendships which are not meant to last, and being with the best people and friends who are meant to stay for a lifetime.

Some things are beyond our control. So why worry? So why freak out if you can’t do anything about it? Clearly, I understand the real meaning of letting go and trusting HIM and faith. GOD answers prayers. HE answers mine all the time. My problem is, it’s not always easy to recognize the answers that HE keeps throwing at me. That part is a task for me.

I kept on worrying that I would reach the most boring moments of my life while waiting. But now, I’m really enjoying everything that I have. I can do so many things and I’m not bored. It’s getting harder and harder to pick what should come first. And it’s starting to feel like I have no choice because of so many choices.

Sometimes, in my peace and quiet state, like when I travel with my office driver/bodyguard, I get to think of silly facts. And sometimes, I feel like laughing as I relive some of my personal history. Like when I got lost in the forest when I was a teen. Like when I acted so “maldita” even if inside I was laughing so hard that I could have released the loudest fart. Sometimes, I would laugh at myself when I try to remember the boys I’ve been involved with. I ended up realizing that I never had a non-smoking boyfriend. But I got drawn to the healthy ones (not that they are plural but I just want to be on the safe side). ;p Sometimes, I think of my personal adventures and I can’t but ask myself if it was really me in that piece of history. It’s amazing. And not that I’m proud.

I can go on writing. Even if I said I couldn’t bring myself into writing. Too many things to write, that I feel they are too little.

months ago, this would have been my song :))

 

GOODBYE MY ALMOST LOVER 

 

You fingertips against my skin
The palm trees swaying in the wind
Images

You sang me spanish lullabies
The sweetest sadness in your eyes
Clever trick

I never want to see you unhappy
I thought you’d want the same for me

Goodbye, my almost lover
Goodbye, my hopeless dream
I’m trying not to think about you
Can’t you just let me be?
So long, my luckless romance
My back is turned on you
I should’ve known you’d bring me heartache
Almost lovers always do

We walked along a crowded street
You took my hand and danced with me
Images

And when you left you kissed my lips
You told me you’d never ever forget these images, no

I never want to see you unhappy
I thought you’d want the same for me

Goodbye, my almost lover
Goodbye, my hopeless dream
I’m trying not to think about you
Can’t you just let me be?
So long, my luckless romance
My back is turned on you
I should’ve known you’d bring me heartache
Almost lovers always do

I cannot go to the ocean
I cannot drive the streets at night
I cannot wake up in the morning
Without you on my mind
So you’re gone and I’m haunted
And I bet you are just fine
Did I make it that easy for you
To walk right in and out of my life?

Goodbye, my almost lover
Goodbye, my hopeless dream
I’m trying not to think about you
Can’t you just let me be?
So long, my luckless romance
My back is turned on you
I should’ve known you’d bring me heartache
Almost lovers always do

The Bar

  * Trip Lang. ;p I just wanted to show my red nails. But Ate May ended up taking these shots.

dear 2009

Dear 2009,

You changed my life in many ways. In fact you changed it unexpectedly. In a bliss. In my unguarded moments. You took away a life that I’ve had for years. Truth is, I planned for you. I planned everything for you. I planned how to save. I planned how to spend. Although the latter was kind of failure because my credit card bill leveled up like the everest. But still, I have no regrets. I spent for food and little things for myself. And I’ll pay it off soon.

I made some decisions that hurt people. But those decisions hurt me as well. Maybe I was just strong enough to bear the pain. Some people came. And I welcomed their presence. Somehow, I felt like I didn’t think much when a prince came to save me from being alone. He made me laugh. He made himself available but then it didn’t last. It took a while before I concluded that he came to make me stand by my previous decision.  He was just a bridge of the past and the present. What we’ve shared is something that belongs to you and it’s not meant to be carried over to 2010.

You made me know myself. You made me realized that there are so many things that I want to do for myself. You made me strong enough so I could enjoy the things that I failed to see or I failed to do for the past years. And I’m thankful for that.

You made me passed the greatest challenge that I had to endure. I did what I could under the circumstances. The rest is up to HIM. I’m not worried. HE holds the future. And whatever it is, I’m sure HE’s about to give what’s best for me.

You are a GREAT challenge for all mankind and for all nation. And now that you’re gone, we are all hoping and praying that the good things that you brought would stay and multiply. As for the bad stuff, we don’t want them anymore and I hope you took it all away when you left.

I love you 2009. But I think I would love 2010 more.

Love,

Michelle