"snowman"

   He made me feel better. Even if I know that it’s not going anywhere. Even if I know that I’m not feeling anything close to love.Even if he is scared to hold me because as he said, “wala naman to pupuntahan”. Even if we don’t talk.

   Maybe it’s the familiarity. It’s the feeling of security. It’s the feeling that he won’t really stay but he won’t hurt you either. It’s like there is a connecting line. It’s not reversing. It’s not moving forward either. It’s when you see him drinking with the ladies and posing for photos, maybe flirting a little and yet you are not bothered. Because at the end of the day, you know that you’re the one he cares about. That it is your things he would carry. That it is you he would drive home.

   You just have to know that he got home safe without  really staying awake for confirmation. The text could come the day after. Texting and calling are not necessary. Talking is optional.

   He doesn’t melt my heart I know. But he doesn’t crash it either. And maybe he’s right, “wala naman tong pupuntahan”. But he was my “snowman” and sometimes, we need one. It disappears after the holidays but it leaves a feeling of excitement because after a few months, you know it will come again to keep you light and grounded.

   In my case, there is a chance that “snowman” won’t be around next holidays. But I don’t really care. All I know is that, he was there on the 23rd of December, 2009. =)

the gifts

Last year, I’ve listed my favorite Christmas gifts. Those were all material things. I admit I liked them all. And in fact, I’m still using some of those. Or somehow, I kept them in my closet. But 2009 is/was a life-changing year and I’ve learned to count my blessings. So here are my best gifts :

THE GIFT OF LIFE - I’ve learned to thank GOD for being alive, and for having a chance to make things better each day. I am also blessed because mama is a lot better after being confined early this year. I am also glad that she has learned to value her health and thank Heavens because she is no longer acting difficult. She visits her doctor regularly, and I don’t have to remind her. I am off the “stress hook”.

THE GIFT OF LOVE - After 5 years, or maybe more, I am celebrating Christmas outside a relationship. Initially, I was expecting stress and drama. It is really a big change. For the past years, I spent Christmas eve with my family. Then, I would spend the remaining holidays in Laguna. Surely, I would miss them. They have been so nice to me. I would miss the kids. Cute, cute kids that I really adore. It isn’t easy to cut people out of your life. Especially if there is mutual love and respect. But I’m not forgetting them. My relationship with each of them is different from the relationship that ended. I think no one can take that away from us. And I’m glad because we’re alright.

I love myself more. I respect myself. And I’m ready to take another risk with someone who is likewise ready to take a chance on me. But for now, I’m loving my life. Not my independence because it is innate in me. I just feel like I’m pushing myself to the limits. I’m doing what I want and slowly, I’m becoming better. I’m slowly reaching my personal goals.

I gave my best. But I can give more. That’s what I’ve learned. And that is love.

THE GIFT OF WISDOM - BIG things happened to me. I’ve hurdled the most amazing intellectual and emotional challenge all at the same time. I’ve learned so much. And really, my perspective in life changed. I feel like I can give better pieces of advice now. I feel like I’ve been through hell and I can save others from drowning.

THE GIFT OF SHARING - I love sharing. No further explanation.This thing, I would rather keep. (Weird, I love sharing but I don’t want to share stuff about this).

THE GIFT OF FRIENDSHIP - I was too busy that I failed to give time. I’m glad that things did not change. I’m so blessed to have my real friends. I know them now. I don’t have to say who’s best. They are all best. They are all real.

THE GIFT OF ADVENTURE - Hmm… Great adventure. Something I would not repeat. But something that I cherish.

THE GIFT OF FAITH - I’m no longer impatient. Everything is destined to happen. I’m just so excited to see the future. I was born to be what I am and what I would be.

THE GIFTS - Alright. I still love the material gifts. The books from Cookie, My boss and Ate Lalaine. I love that I can now read non-law books in my own pace. Shine’s cute cute mirror. My new tumbler. And anything that would come from sis, lina, ratch and family members. In fact, they are enough. ;p

hihi

I’ve been getting gifts today. I’ve been a good girl maybe. Hihi.

I love the Books! Thanks cookie (Ang mahal naman nito. Shy ako. Hahaha) and Ma’am Riz for “Dear John”.

And also, I love Conti’s from Sir REC (I feel like a manager already. Ako lang ang hindi manager na may Conti’s) ;p

I won’t open the others. I’m testing my EQ!!! On the 23rd, I will!

winner!

If HE can fool her, then he can fool you.

* a quote from someone who won’t usually say stuff like this. ahehehe! makes sense! that’s the reason why  we could never be. (lol!) 

shredding

My second entry for the day! Yipee.

I just figured that shredding is a therapy. So I’m shredding. And now I can see things clearly. I never realized that creative ideas would emerge while those piles of paper are being divided into thin lines. The “first day at work” enthusiasm is kindov back. I have to talk to my boss!

Also…it took me months before finally reading the unread FB, FS and Multiply invites of my own “jumped into” person. Heck. And… in a few seconds, I’m deleting those mails!!! Feels good. Somehow, I think he has already served his purpose. At least to my personal growth.

Run as fast as you can.

And to those people who are creating issues… excuse me. I’m not part of your troubles.

Grey’s effect 1

You cannot do everything, and still have everything…

Nakakaimbey.

Period.

Today…

I woke up feeling free… loved… wanted…:)

I know there are obstacles along the way but I’m sure I’ll get through. I just need to visualize my dreams and I’ll have them in HIS time. I know I’m not totally alright but I found the answers. The reasons will come later on. * PATIENCE is the SCIENCE of PEACE.

I love rommel for being a brother. He made my day! And I know what he told me are all true. You are my benchmark.

I love rachelle and kuya paul for always being there. I love the eating part. I love you both and I hope you’ll be a couple again before the year ends. ;p

I love lina and kuya alex for taking care of me.

I love sistah, though she’s physically absent. I feel your love.

I love chacey! I love you for giving me the freedom to bug you anytime. You are my model. With your words, it is certain that I’ll get “there”

I love shie! I love you for being my co-dreamer of a successful career. It’s kinda weird that our prayers are all for career. But I agree that we have to enjoy reaping the “personal goals” first.

I love cookie for the power calls and texts. * Your mom is in  a better place. It’s alright to grieve though. But I’m sure you’ll get through.

I love Kuya Rey, for being my spiritual adviser.

As I’ve said, I found some answers. I’m over it. It’s time to find myself. Without guilt. Without questions. It’s just a ride.

stupid with friends

I remember posting (FB) a quote by Ralph Waldo Emerson which says that we can be stupid with real friends around. I figured that there’s really truth in that. I spent three days with the coolest people who have been my friends for like 10 years now. They’ve seen me at my best and lowest points. And really, with them, I can be stupid.

We’ve shared everything (except boys of course!). We’ve seen each other grow and change. We’ve accepted each other’s weaknesses. We’ve had our respective achievements in life. But we never forget to look back. And when we’re together, I feel like I’m still the 19-year old girl from way back. Except that I’m not.

All in all, my search for peace had been awesome.

Primarily because I spent my weekend with these people:

And yes, we can be crazy :

And we can be STUPID! Hahaha! This is the proof :

(Peace, tale! Love you!)

Btw, cookie waited for my text. Well, she waited for the “I MET SOMEONE” text. I didn’t know she was waiting for that. Hahaha! Well, I didn’t. BECAUSE I LEARNED HOW TO STOP AND SMELL THE FLOWERS. I seized the moments with my sisters! One of these days, you’ll get that text, cookie. (LOL) ;p