no definition

   The other night, an old friend treated me out on a dinner at Eastwood. It was a group dinner but since I’m still recovering from my “leave without pay” status, and because, they teased him for not supporting my recent endeavor, he paid for my share. They came by our place to pick me up because I was home early from an official business.

    I couldn’t remember the last time I was in his car but I could recall those moments when I had it as my comfort zone. I remember those days when I would cry because of an old broken heart and he wouldn’t mind at all. He would just drive. Sometimes, I would be sleeping because I was so tired juggling work and school and heartache. He would not wake me up and he would just drive and listen to my choice of fm station. 

   He made things easy for me and for that, I was grateful. But if I could go back and change things, I would not want to be in that circumstance. I would prefer to have my “one of the boys” status if it means saving him as a friend. I would gladly take the nasty comments about my new clothes, pointed shoes, getting fat, having make-up, bad hair day and being late for work.

   There were times when I felt sorry for taking so much of his time. It was too late when I realized that it didn’t belong to me. I felt sorry for crying and talking because it was likewise late when it came to me that he was not obliged to listen. I wouldn’t want to talk to him again if it’s about the past. I want to bury the bad stuff. But there are some things that I want to say.  

   First, I admire him for standing up from his mistakes and choosing his silence. Second, I thank him for ignoring me for years, while making me feel in some weird ways that he cares. And lastly, I want to congratulate him for being a better man that he is now.

   What we’ve had has no definition. I never questioned his emotions. I never heard him say what he really felt for me. Just the same, he never asked me. While some people say that it should have been cleared long ago, I beg to disagree. There’s no point in defining something if you can’t handle the consequence. It was not proper to say that you feel something for each other if you know that both of you are in love with someone else.  

   There are so many relationship quotes in circulation. Sometimes they fit, sometimes they don’t. This time, I would agree that falling in love can be a decision. Hmm… but if could choose my fate, I would like to fall in love loosely … when it is meant…when it fits… when it is written… when it is bound … when we are right for each other… when he would stand for me… when he would stay… when he could take my flaws, and I could love his… In His time.