no definition

   The other night, an old friend treated me out on a dinner at Eastwood. It was a group dinner but since I’m still recovering from my “leave without pay” status, and because, they teased him for not supporting my recent endeavor, he paid for my share. They came by our place to pick me up because I was home early from an official business.

    I couldn’t remember the last time I was in his car but I could recall those moments when I had it as my comfort zone. I remember those days when I would cry because of an old broken heart and he wouldn’t mind at all. He would just drive. Sometimes, I would be sleeping because I was so tired juggling work and school and heartache. He would not wake me up and he would just drive and listen to my choice of fm station. 

   He made things easy for me and for that, I was grateful. But if I could go back and change things, I would not want to be in that circumstance. I would prefer to have my “one of the boys” status if it means saving him as a friend. I would gladly take the nasty comments about my new clothes, pointed shoes, getting fat, having make-up, bad hair day and being late for work.

   There were times when I felt sorry for taking so much of his time. It was too late when I realized that it didn’t belong to me. I felt sorry for crying and talking because it was likewise late when it came to me that he was not obliged to listen. I wouldn’t want to talk to him again if it’s about the past. I want to bury the bad stuff. But there are some things that I want to say.  

   First, I admire him for standing up from his mistakes and choosing his silence. Second, I thank him for ignoring me for years, while making me feel in some weird ways that he cares. And lastly, I want to congratulate him for being a better man that he is now.

   What we’ve had has no definition. I never questioned his emotions. I never heard him say what he really felt for me. Just the same, he never asked me. While some people say that it should have been cleared long ago, I beg to disagree. There’s no point in defining something if you can’t handle the consequence. It was not proper to say that you feel something for each other if you know that both of you are in love with someone else.  

   There are so many relationship quotes in circulation. Sometimes they fit, sometimes they don’t. This time, I would agree that falling in love can be a decision. Hmm… but if could choose my fate, I would like to fall in love loosely … when it is meant…when it fits… when it is written… when it is bound … when we are right for each other… when he would stand for me… when he would stay… when he could take my flaws, and I could love his… In His time.

my way of saying goodbye to a one-time prince

This is my way of saying goodbye to a one-time prince. Well, it’s not so literal, and yet not so figurative. In our lives, we get to meet people who exist to build our character. I would say that I am happy to have met a one-time prince. Maybe because he was there during those times when I needed escape from a reality that imprisoned my existence. It was sortov a thin fairytale book where you get a happy ending. However, it was just a phase in the real world.

Unlike the old fairytales that I’ve read, not all princes come to stay. Not all princes are charming. Some may really fall in love with you. Some would just run away. And so, life is always a game. Win or lose, the rule is you have to play it well. Maybe I wasn’t and I’m not a a damn good player, but I did well. Whether it’s a win or lose for me, I could never tell. Only time can.

Now I am saying farewell to my one-time prince. I wish I was able to give a warm hug, but I know it would be futile because he was only a spirit that I could never feel. I hope I could shake his hand but it means touching nothing. A part of me wanted to convey this in person but it would be impossible because I could never go back to the other side of the world.

Our story did not have a sad ending. I am actually happy. I don’t know if he is. There’s no way I could send him a text message to ask. Our technology doesn’t reach the world that he lives in. Somehow, a part of me was wishihg he would never forget me, or the things that we’ve shared. But I realized that it’s not possible so I resorted to wishing that the magic mirror would remind him someday.  Or maybe when he comes back for a visit, he would be able to read this. I really have nothing to say anymore except that, I prayed for him and  I lighted a candle as much as I could for some unknown reason.

And they lived happily ever after…as good friends…in different worlds… THE END.

silence

If only it could speak, I know it would muster so much courage to express how it feels. That it’s dying, and is dying  more and more each day. On second thought, maybe it wouldn’t speak at all for it would take so much time identifying the right choice of words. It would probably cry because it won’t be able to identify what or who really causes pain, or what would really take it away.

At one point,it could just lie flat on bed and stare at the ceiling. Maybe count sheeps, or imagine stars shining from up above. Fill in the blanks, fill out the spaces.It would do everything necessary to be sane, but probably, at one point, it would just give up and declare itself unwell.

It would take days and unending moments to be able to move again. It should live. It should get a life and move forward. It should see the sun shining. Maybe follow the rainbow and see what’s on the other side. It is aware of the possibilities and realities of life but the unknown emotions are blocking its senses.

Nothing is permanent. Truth is, a particular state of mind or state of feeling could change in a blink. Well, it is aware that after all the confusion and the so called “feeling alone”, there’s happiness. Maybe a right moment, when it could just stand up and say that “this is what I ever wanted”. Or a point when it would be at peace in taking the path that was created for it. It is smart enough to know that…

But for now, it is empty. For no reason. For unknown reasons. For every reason. And no one would ever feel the same under similar circumstances. It should take a leap. It should analyze what could be missing. But it’s hard when all that’s left is SILENCE.

learning from people

I’m working now. Supposedly. But I’m still trying to get a grasp of what I was doing five (5) months before. I forgot my password. I forgot about my files. As much as possible, I don’t want to roam around because I’m already tired of repeating the answer to the same old (already) question. One Jap boss seemed so happy when he saw me last monday because we almost did the “apir tayo” greeting. And there’s this super strict Jap who told me “long time no see”. And of course the Filipino bosses who asked me about the exams. And everybody else. I would find myself smiling and saying : ” Ok lang po. It’s up to HIM na.” And I mean it.

Things are still ugly here in Pasig. On our way to the office, we still need to take the shuttle truck because the real shuttle bus could not get through the waters along Sandoval St. and Mercedez Avenue. I wanted to take photo shots but I don’t want to look like some tourists who see these things for the first time. There are floaters around. Some made of wood. Some are improvised : bath tub, ref, kariton, air bed. Some have colors and designs of sorts. Creativity at its best. Some would appear funny but thinking about how difficult things are…sigh. Imagine, hinihila lang at tinutulak yung mga floaters. Muscular power. Nakababad yung paa nila run for so many hours. Just to earn a living. Nakakabilib because they use their means and they don’t beg.

Someone almost sacrificed his lfe kanina just to save himself from the waters. Sumabit sa isang truck. Nagkasalubong ung trucks namin and muntik na siyang mapitpit. Right in front of me. It was so nerve wrecking and I really shouted. Imagine, pag napitpit siya run, there’s a chance na wiwisik ang blood niya sa’min. Horrible. Ang mamatay ng dahil sa baha.

Kuya Junie told me that they still don’t have electricity. It has been more than a week and though their house is free from flood, they still can’t get out without using the floaters. It’s like Php 50.00 per person. What he did : He commissioned someone to build two improvised wooden boats. Business Minded. Now he doesn’t have to pay for his fare and he still gets boundary for the two boats. In one week, kumita na siya.

Our technical manager came by my desk and of course we talked about the bar exams. But he stayed for a sensible chat. We ended up talking about the tribes in Mindanao. He said he wants coffee so I gave him 1 bag of Jimm’s. Hehe.Told him that goes for diabetic. Syempre, nagtimpla siya mag-isa. Haha. Anyway, he told me he wanted to be a lawyer but his parents did not allow him to enter law school. His mother is a retired clerk of court. Ngayon ko lang nalaman na dati pala pwede maging clerk of court ang hindi lawyer.

I’m still not in the mood for work. I’m just swaying with time, observing and enjoying the ride. Sometimes pala, we just need to pause. Kahit walang effort, we can always learn from other individuals .

thank you

I waited for this day. I hope I would be able to remember everyone without tears. It’s over. And I would like to congratulate myself not for anything else, but for being strong, self-supporting and independent even before I entered law school. Let me just brag because I own the night. I’m just proud of myself because all throughout my academic life, I was sustained by innate independence. And since I’m marking this day as the end of my formal education, I would like to thank everyone…every single institution who spent for me =) And of course, I would like to thank every single person who were there for me in any way during the last 5 months. I’ve never felt so loved in my entire existence.