And So I’ve Learned/Bending Principles

This is probably the only thing that I could write until my thank you list. Malapit na. =p

I’ve been having ugly thoughts. Sometimes I’m having wonderful dreams that I become too scared to wake up and embrace the real thing. My life these past few months was/is a rollercoaster. Things come, things go. Some of my so-called principles became remnants of the past for I broke them. Somehow. But I guess it is cool to break rules sometimes as long as it does not become a habit. And maybe as long as you don’t throw yourself down the well. To borrow the wisdom of one my closest boy friends, Rhys. Incidentally, this is to answer your questions Bok. It’s just that I could no longer discuss things in person. Rest assured that I’m not down the well, just the tip of my hair. =p

I’ve learned so many things, and I need to jot these down because I won’t have the same touch of emotions that would make me write after two months.

1. The best things in life are free. It’ all about laughing without inhibitions… It’s having friends who care…It’s kissing someone when you mean it, and knowing somehow, in slight probability, that he means it too…It’s about being in a wrong place and yet capturing a perfect moment…It’s the innocent smile of an innocent kid…It’s when I smile back when a nice stranger smiles…It’s about living your life for others, and being guided by GOD.

2.  I can be impulsive, but I’m only human. I can be objective but the heart doesn’t lie. And the mind sometimes works with it.

3.  Judgments should be based on factual considerations.

4.   I can actually eat food that I don’t eat. Raul made me eat chicken feet, and someone made me eat balot. Not bad.

5.  Money comes when you don’t think about having none. Though I already missed paydays, I’m still alive. I’m still eating what I want. I’m still buying what I need. I can still buy things that I want. Konti lang.

6.   I’m not in a rush. I’m still young. Although Raul keeps on saying that my value would depreciate once I get the roll number, I don’t care! It’s their problem if they don’t want me. I don’t want them too. Hehehe. I guess I know what I want now. It’s just someone who’ll make me believe in him: in what he does, in what he thinks, in what he says. That’s all. When I reach 30, I guess I’ll consider the “trip to Venice”.

7.   People are different.

8.   I’m not so smart after all. But I have strong faith. And good memory.

9.   There’s nothing wrong with being nice.

10.  Lastly, I’ve learned that I can forgive totally and absolutely. My driving force right now is the thought of taking the oath. I already told mama that I want papa to be there. I just want to give them both the bliss of seeing me there. I don’t know if I could love him as much as I love mama but he’s got the genes and I’m blessed to have inherited some.

I’m loving peace right now.

the thing is…

People keep on asking if I’m ok. And I would tell them that I am. Surprisingly. But lately, I realized that somehow, there’s this unexplained feeling of something that I can’t even describe. Tolerable but existing. Maybe it’s because of the people who existed during our existence. It somehow broke my heart when he told me that everybody was asking why I was absent. It must have been difficult to explain why. I have attended almost all the significant events in their lives and I have met great people in the process. It just felt like I have evaded them without any word. I’m pretty sure that they will understand naman. I also think that nothing will change. But then, nakakalungkot din.

I agree that maybe it’s harder the second time because this one is not adversarial. This one’s not because I am angry or he’s mad. This one’s something that is inevitable. But the bottomline is that, no matter what people say, we know what happened. We know what we’ve missed in the process. We know that it’s the best thing to do. And maybe, there’s a greater plan for both of us.