post-Twilight realizations

I’m officially sober. I got over the "Twilight" addiction after finally dropping Book 3 (Ecplise) last night. What can I say? Well, I had so much fun reading that I have almost become oblivious of my age. Ü The series are classified under the "teen adult" genre, and as much as I would like to embrace the word "teen", there’s no sense hiding the obvious that I’m already an adult. So even if I don’t really think and act like 25, it’s a raw fact. My birth certificate can attest to that.

People who know me (as in who really, really, really know me) will agree that when I get to love a story…a book…a movie…a tv series…a song…a singer, I get so affected. I spend money, time and sanity to have anything that’s related to what I want. I like piglet so I buy all piglet stuffs I can afford. I love PrisonBreak and I just spent a thousand (it’s 50% off per set) to have my original copies of Season 1&2. I love Jason Castro of AI so I’m asking my friend cookie to download all of his studio performances. Pathetic as it might sound, but that’s me. I don’t really care if it’s a weakness. Ü

Anyway, that was the reason why I had been ignoring wil’s texts for the past nights. The reason why I lacked sleep for the past days. The reason why I was always home early. I couldn’t stand waiting for the perfect time to finish the series without interruption. And now, I’m done. And it makes me happy.

I realized that doing what I want makes me happy.

Weird. A book for teen adult made me realized something like that. It cured my sickness.

My mind is sick.Was.Is. Still. SICK. kase.

I am troubled (again) thinking about my future. I’m not certain if this is one of those quarter-life crises. But my uncertainties make me weak each day. I realized that I’m not happy with my job. It’s not what I want. It doesn’t make me happy. I realized that I’m not happy with where I am right now. This is not what I want. This doesn’t make me happy.

Thus, I need to do something that I truly want in order to become happy. Sounds simple. But life is not as simple as it sounds. Reality bites. I know I need to work hard to earn the chance to do what I really want. It’s a fact. It’s just normal to have fears. It’s just normal to experience pains. I realized that I’m just overreacting. I’m just being paranoid. I’m just being impatient. I’m really sick. And it’s self-inflicted.

Cookie contributed to my realizations. She asked me one question that made me think. Here’s the transcript:

16:31] nijuyokka: pero dont you see yourself as a lawyer na?
[16:32] nijuyokka: i mean di mo ba napi-picture na yan na yung gusto mo gawin until you retire? hehe
[16:33] nijuyokka: bago mo sagutin yan pag-isipan mo munang mabuti hehehe
[16:37] praktika923: i see myself as one … but i guess the future is quite bleak from where I stand.. (hehehe..parang interview portion ito)
[16:38] praktika923: probably because before i get there, there are so much work to do… so much pains to go through…and i am overshadowed by fears… but in that case, i leave it to HIS hands…
[16:39] praktika923: the thing is, i still can’t see what i can do and what i want to do after i get the title…
[16:39] praktika923: weird noh?
[16:41] nijuyokka: well, that’s fine. kasi you are still uncertain if you’ll be a lawyer and you’ll never be sure until you pass the bar, kaya siguro naka-block pa yung mga possibilities na pwede mong gawin pag lawyer ka na talaga
[16:41] nijuyokka: dont worry about it. basta ang goal mo ngayon is to pass the bar. madali na yan pag may title na

That was cute. I decided to post the transcript to remind myself that after all, I’m not really sick. That at times, I could get so crashed but I could be sober afterwards. That I’m still normal. That I’m not really pathetic. That I’m just being human. Ü 

And speaking of being human, the Twilight quiz told me that I’m a BELLA SWAN. It’s something I expected. I’m like her. I haven’t really thought of what the future holds for me. But I’m certain that beyond my self-inflicted sickness, there’s a BIG chance that I’ll be HAPPY.

Which Twilight novel character are you?

You’re Bella Swan - You are intelligent and kind but not quite sure what you want out of life yet. You have a feeling there’s something more out there for you. You’re attracted to those who are real and avoid the fake. Sometimes you’re a bit accident prone, but your true friends will always be loyal to you and come to your aid when you need it.
Take this quiz!

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to my dear friend (you know who you are Ü)

My dearest friend,

I am terribly sorry to disappoint you, but I won’t say you’re wrong.Ü It’s what you do that defines you, and not who you are in the eyes of many people.

I am sorry because I was not shocked. I am not in shock. I longed for the moment when you would finally share your thoughts. And it happened. Surprisingly, in an instant that I did not expect. In those moments, when my focus belonged to Isabella Marie Swan and her vampire boyfriend. Ü

I am sorry because I won’t ask you to stop what you do. It makes you happy. It makes the other person happy. So, why suffer? There are so many things that go beyond our control. Dance with the current. But be careful because I don’t want to see you drowning.

I am sorry because I betrayed you. Well, sort of. I made some pretensions that I didn’t know anything. That I didn’t see anything. That I didn’t smell anything. I should have asked you. It would have been less confusing. If indeed, you got confused.

I’m sorry, but I’ll stick with you. Just like before. Just like from the very beginning. Inspite of some things which are deviations for so many others. After all, I’m your kind. Oh well, I’m a deviation myself.

Finally, thank you for trusting me. I swear to keep those things-away from the judging eyes-locked inside my soul.

Love,

Mish 

ostentatious!

I had to stop going through the pages, but for the last few hours, I was overpowered and I could not put it down. I could not miss the hyperventilating moments, the heartbreaking scenes that I could actually imagine,the characters that I had insanely wished were real. I’m addicted. I’m hooked.

It was just funny that those stuff could make me stay awake-cognitive, perceptive, without trying- unitl the wee hours. The lines were clear on my mind and I have memorized some of my favorites effortlessly. Stephenie Meyer surely painted smiles on my face, moments of shock, eyes closed to tears. Truly effective and dazzling. In fact, I was dazzled enough to put off so many things -extremely significant- due to my eagerness to begin with the second book.

Sadly, I’m putting it off for a while. I have some work to finish. I have one heck of a school paper to write. Ü

P.S. I’m in love with a VAMPIRE. ÜÜ

tulala

Hindi ko alam kung bakit nagsimula na naman ang pagdampi ng mga daliri sa lumang makinilya. Patuloy ang pagmarka ng mga titik sa kabila ng katotohanan na  wala namang kahulugan ni isa sa kanila. Sumasabay lang sa agos. Naghahanda. Naghihintay. Naglalakbay ang diwa sa kawalan.

Hindi ko alam kung bakit muling nagbadya ang pagpatak ng ulan sa kabila ng mataas na sikat ng araw. Para bang walang bahaghari sa dulo ng lahat. Para bang madilim ang ulap.

Hindi ko alam kung ano ang nagtulak sa hangin upang magdala ng kakaibang lamig na nanunuot sa laman. Hindi ko maintindihan kung bakit may agam agam na sumusuot sa isipang nakalutang. May mga nararamdaman na hindi kayang pigilan. Katulad ng lumbay dulot ng mapait na kahapon at walang kasiguruhang bukas.

Hindi ko alam ang sanhi ng lumbay.

Hindi ko alam kung paano pipigilan.

Hindi ko alam.

nothingness

I saw him staring at nothingness. He was alone. He was gasping for hope but the world turned its back on him. I felt pain. I wanted to carry him lest he would drown in the mud that fate created to measure our eagerness to survive.  But  I had to let go because he was not holding my hand. He was running away from the bitter past that we both had.

I was in tears. I was angry. But I couldn’t point the arrow at anyone.  Who was the culprit? Who erred? There were times when I felt it was him. Or maybe, it was her. It was the two of them. But I was not there. We were not there to know how it felt. I was not old enough to understand their differences.

I initiated my searching questions but I did not proceed. There are two sides of truth, so to speak. The more I come to know of their respective shares of truth, the more I get perplexed. Each truth broke my heart, as it did when I first had the full grasp of the situation that I am into.

We have the same fate. We share the same pain. And I can’t say who’s more hurt, or who’s more affected by the choice that they made. But rather than sitting still, blaming others, whining or crying over and over, I made a choice. I’m making a choice to capitalize on my struggles. I know that my life has been written long time ago. But I’m certain that something good lies ahead at the end of the rainbow. I just need to work for it.

He chose to stay inside the cage. He refused to face life the way I did- the way I do. Such fact places me in limbo. I hate him everyday for not having the courage to stand up and break his pain. But my heart softens whenever I think of how selfish fate was, for not being one with the desires of his heart.

I know I should get angry. I am. But I share his pain. If there’s one person who has the ultimate capacity to understand him, that would be me. And I’m scared of getting numb. I’m scared of forgetting how it felt-how it feels. I’m scared of not minding him anymore. I’m scared of getting tired of him. I love him. The same blood runs in our veins. But I have to stand up and act as if I don’t give a damn about everything he does.

He needs to wake up.

He needs to see the light out of the nothingness he’s staring at.