I Picked Up The Pieces

I just closed my eyes and everything changed.

Of course, it is an overstatement. But I submit that it is partly true. Life can really change its course without us doing anything. I am not speaking for other people but it can happen. It happened to me, and suddenly I am embracing GOD’s overflowing wisdom and grace. And for this, I feel like a winner.

During the past months, I have learned so many things, I have met new people (or maybe I got the chance to know people beyond the outermost layer of their skin), I lost a so-called friend and I fell in love with myself.

I just found out that I can do more. I can shield myself from the pain of expectations because after all, I can do things on my own.

I’ve lost so many things during the last few months, or maybe more than a year to be exact. But it’s amazing because I feel like a whole person.

I just picked up the pieces. Some are pointed. Some are brittle. Some are so tiny. Some have colors. Some are faded. But with guidance from the GOOD LORD, I ended up fixing them. And as a whole, I created something beautiful : THE WISDOM of TRUSTING THAT NO MATTER WHAT HAPPENS, IT'’S FOR THE BEST. Truly, the WILL of GOD WILL NEVER TAKE YOU, WHERE THE GRACE OF GOD WILL NOT PROTECT YOU.

the overflowing sweetness..

makes me feel so loved!

I know there’s this saying that you’ll know who your friends are when you’re down the drain. But I’ve never really embraced the thought until lately. I know I made great friends over the years. I’ve had different housemates. I’ve met a lot of people. The relationships were not always perfect though. There were falling outs. And I’m really surprised (now with little tears trying to puff from my eyes) because I feel so special.

I’ve been getting text messages from people…saying good vibes. It’s just so sweet when it’s real. I just feel that they care. Sudden and unexpected calls and texts messages = BLISS!

You all make me go on. =) May I just mention the BIBOS? Thank you. And my sisters: yeng, ratch, lina and che. More than ten years of friendship. I can’t thank GOD enough. Our friendship is just the best, if not perfect. I love you, I love you. And the DY family. Dad! I feel like your own daughter with all the good vibes that you transmit.

And my AGC family. Waahhh!!! I’ve been here 5 years and it is only now that I truly found the real people. Miss Riza, Miss Nida, Jen and Kuya Junie - may “aquarium mates” (coz we have glass partitions here that make us look sea creatures inside the aquarium).

Unit 501! ;p We are from different parts of the country, different schools, different religions and we have different interests but we’ve been family… Like we’re so proud of each other’s achievements! Truly, it makes me feel like I’m a nice and flexible person. We are all!

And Neph, you were just so sweet this morning. I’m so happy that in spite of everything, we’re cool. I missed you,  too.

Kuya Raymond, Teeway, Nico…

My family

I’m doing just fine because you are all there for me. And I know that no matter what, you will be there…

It’s this Friday.

No matter what happens, I’m embracing GOD’s promise. I know I’m off to experience the MIRACLE of LIFE. It’s all written.

the waiting game

What brought me here?

I still don’t know.

For a time, i told myself that I should refrain from writing anything that concerns my emotions. Talk about being private.

But then, I can’t understand myself.

I feel like being with a friend to feel better, but I also feel like being alone.  I’m trying to focus on my work but I can’t. And everytime I try to read anything law-related, I would be dyslexic. Sometimes, I would imagine happy thoughts but I would snap myself back to reality because I’m scared to imagine the contrary.

I feel like crying for no reason at all.

I feel so lost.

I feel abandoned.

I feel uncertain.

I feel like an idiot.

I feel like punching anyone who would give me any reason to.

I feel like kissing any guy who would make a first impression.

But then again, it’s a crazy idea.

I feel like hiding.

I feel like singing any song that I can relate to.

I feel like watching movies 24×7.

I feel like slapping any bitch who deserves it.

But most of the time, I feel like falling down on my knees and surrendering

everthing to our GOOD LORD.

silence does it, too

I was told several times before that words can kill. They could cut like a knife- the one with crooked or pointed edges. They could crash a heart ten million times until the soul becomes a glint of mist, almost inexistent.

They could not be taken away. When they are released, they become parts of the whole. They are embedded right into the conscience of the proponent, and stuck into the deepest core of the recipient.

I am accepting the foregoing ideas without any reservation. In my existence, I have proven that they are real. Or at least, they were to me. I got involved in situations where I was the one who uttered irretrievable words. My tongue cursed. And I made amends. There were times when I voluntarily denied my indiscretions. But still, I have been guilt-stricken. (So many people fail to recognize that when you hurt someone, you are hurt, too).

I became a recipient. I’ve met people who have been careless with their words. Some people would say, “You are hurt because it’s the truth.” Crap. Truth hurts. But falsities undeniably hurt, too! I would concoct a big lie if I would say that I’m not affected when people say false things about me. Maybe it isn’t “hurting” per se. But it brings disappointments or maybe a pinch in the heart.

Recently though, I realized that I hurt some people with my silence. And I’d been BADLY & REPEATEDLY hurt with damn and crappy incidents of silence. (Whoa! Just to describe. J Not from the heart).

But there was this concrete episode of silence that bugged me for a time. I’ve wondered for so long if that person was mad at me, or maybe scared, or maybe evasive. I’ve wondered far too long why that person was so silent to the point of almost considering me a piece of thin air when we would see each other. And it hurt me. It struck my heart. There were no words. Not one. No explanations.

True enough, silence does it, too.

tumblrd away

I love TUMBLR.

just for the photos, videos, movies & quotes. ;p

tanong

Paano ko ba sasabihin na sana kaibigan pa rin kita? Paano ko ipapaalam na gusto ko lang ay kalimutan kung saan naging mali ang lahat sa pagitan nating dalawa?

Gusto kong ibalik ang panahon at pagkakataon na masaya tayong dalawa. Yung mga panahon na pinagtatawanan mo ako at pinagtatawanan kita. Yung mga panahon na pwede akong magtanong kung kumusta ka na. At yung mga panahon na hindi mo alam kung ano ang mga pinagdaanan ko sa kanya.

Gusto ko pa yung mga panahon na pwede tayong magsabay sa pagkain. Sa pagkanta. Sa pagtawa. Yung pwede kitang isama kahit saan. Yung mga panahon na nagtatanong ang lahat kung ano bang meron tayo pero wala lang tayong pakialam kase wala naman talaga.

Namimiss kong maging kaibigan ka. Pero hindi naman pwede dahil ayaw mo (yata). Minsan naisip ko, ang damot damot mo. Pero minsan naisip ko rin makasarili ako. Gusto kong maintindihan kung bakit nagkamali ang mga emosyon. Sana hindi na lang tumulo ang mga luha mula sa aking mga mata. Sana hindi na lang ako nasaktan at sana hindi ka na lang nagtanong kung bakit ako nasasaktan. Sana nung araw na yon, hindi tayo nagkasabay. At sana hindi ko na lang sinabi kung bakit ako malungkot. Sana hindi ka na lang nakinig. Sana hindi mo na lang ako pinansin.

Pero tapos na. Nangyari na. Ayaw ko na ring umasa na magiging kaibigan pa kita. Pero sana wag mo na ring iparamdam na iba ako. Sana totoong wala ka na talaga. Dahil habang lalo kang umiiwas, lalo ko lang nararamdaman ang pagkakaiba ko sa lahat ng tao sa mundong ginagalawan nating dalawa.

too many is too little

It took me minutes before words came out. Like I forced it. Like I have mustered all muscles and sweat. It wasn’t like the old times when thoughts were like fireflies that flicker endlessly. I really find it difficult to collect myself into writing when I’m alright. I’m alright? Am I? Well, yes I am.

The thing is, I’m still doomed with problems. I’m not off the hook. I guess I would never be. Problems just come and go. Life just goes on. Maybe I have learned to be happy with these things around me. That’s faith. That’s trusting the GOOD LORD that you are destined to be someone by choice. That’s believing that things are for the best. That’s not minding people who were born to give you misery. That’s letting go of friendships which are not meant to last, and being with the best people and friends who are meant to stay for a lifetime.

Some things are beyond our control. So why worry? So why freak out if you can’t do anything about it? Clearly, I understand the real meaning of letting go and trusting HIM and faith. GOD answers prayers. HE answers mine all the time. My problem is, it’s not always easy to recognize the answers that HE keeps throwing at me. That part is a task for me.

I kept on worrying that I would reach the most boring moments of my life while waiting. But now, I’m really enjoying everything that I have. I can do so many things and I’m not bored. It’s getting harder and harder to pick what should come first. And it’s starting to feel like I have no choice because of so many choices.

Sometimes, in my peace and quiet state, like when I travel with my office driver/bodyguard, I get to think of silly facts. And sometimes, I feel like laughing as I relive some of my personal history. Like when I got lost in the forest when I was a teen. Like when I acted so “maldita” even if inside I was laughing so hard that I could have released the loudest fart. Sometimes, I would laugh at myself when I try to remember the boys I’ve been involved with. I ended up realizing that I never had a non-smoking boyfriend. But I got drawn to the healthy ones (not that they are plural but I just want to be on the safe side). ;p Sometimes, I think of my personal adventures and I can’t but ask myself if it was really me in that piece of history. It’s amazing. And not that I’m proud.

I can go on writing. Even if I said I couldn’t bring myself into writing. Too many things to write, that I feel they are too little.

months ago, this would have been my song :))

 

GOODBYE MY ALMOST LOVER 

 

You fingertips against my skin
The palm trees swaying in the wind
Images

You sang me spanish lullabies
The sweetest sadness in your eyes
Clever trick

I never want to see you unhappy
I thought you’d want the same for me

Goodbye, my almost lover
Goodbye, my hopeless dream
I’m trying not to think about you
Can’t you just let me be?
So long, my luckless romance
My back is turned on you
I should’ve known you’d bring me heartache
Almost lovers always do

We walked along a crowded street
You took my hand and danced with me
Images

And when you left you kissed my lips
You told me you’d never ever forget these images, no

I never want to see you unhappy
I thought you’d want the same for me

Goodbye, my almost lover
Goodbye, my hopeless dream
I’m trying not to think about you
Can’t you just let me be?
So long, my luckless romance
My back is turned on you
I should’ve known you’d bring me heartache
Almost lovers always do

I cannot go to the ocean
I cannot drive the streets at night
I cannot wake up in the morning
Without you on my mind
So you’re gone and I’m haunted
And I bet you are just fine
Did I make it that easy for you
To walk right in and out of my life?

Goodbye, my almost lover
Goodbye, my hopeless dream
I’m trying not to think about you
Can’t you just let me be?
So long, my luckless romance
My back is turned on you
I should’ve known you’d bring me heartache
Almost lovers always do

The Bar

  * Trip Lang. ;p I just wanted to show my red nails. But Ate May ended up taking these shots.

dear 2009

Dear 2009,

You changed my life in many ways. In fact you changed it unexpectedly. In a bliss. In my unguarded moments. You took away a life that I’ve had for years. Truth is, I planned for you. I planned everything for you. I planned how to save. I planned how to spend. Although the latter was kind of failure because my credit card bill leveled up like the everest. But still, I have no regrets. I spent for food and little things for myself. And I’ll pay it off soon.

I made some decisions that hurt people. But those decisions hurt me as well. Maybe I was just strong enough to bear the pain. Some people came. And I welcomed their presence. Somehow, I felt like I didn’t think much when a prince came to save me from being alone. He made me laugh. He made himself available but then it didn’t last. It took a while before I concluded that he came to make me stand by my previous decision.  He was just a bridge of the past and the present. What we’ve shared is something that belongs to you and it’s not meant to be carried over to 2010.

You made me know myself. You made me realized that there are so many things that I want to do for myself. You made me strong enough so I could enjoy the things that I failed to see or I failed to do for the past years. And I’m thankful for that.

You made me passed the greatest challenge that I had to endure. I did what I could under the circumstances. The rest is up to HIM. I’m not worried. HE holds the future. And whatever it is, I’m sure HE’s about to give what’s best for me.

You are a GREAT challenge for all mankind and for all nation. And now that you’re gone, we are all hoping and praying that the good things that you brought would stay and multiply. As for the bad stuff, we don’t want them anymore and I hope you took it all away when you left.

I love you 2009. But I think I would love 2010 more.

Love,

Michelle

"snowman"

   He made me feel better. Even if I know that it’s not going anywhere. Even if I know that I’m not feeling anything close to love.Even if he is scared to hold me because as he said, “wala naman to pupuntahan”. Even if we don’t talk.

   Maybe it’s the familiarity. It’s the feeling of security. It’s the feeling that he won’t really stay but he won’t hurt you either. It’s like there is a connecting line. It’s not reversing. It’s not moving forward either. It’s when you see him drinking with the ladies and posing for photos, maybe flirting a little and yet you are not bothered. Because at the end of the day, you know that you’re the one he cares about. That it is your things he would carry. That it is you he would drive home.

   You just have to know that he got home safe without  really staying awake for confirmation. The text could come the day after. Texting and calling are not necessary. Talking is optional.

   He doesn’t melt my heart I know. But he doesn’t crash it either. And maybe he’s right, “wala naman tong pupuntahan”. But he was my “snowman” and sometimes, we need one. It disappears after the holidays but it leaves a feeling of excitement because after a few months, you know it will come again to keep you light and grounded.

   In my case, there is a chance that “snowman” won’t be around next holidays. But I don’t really care. All I know is that, he was there on the 23rd of December, 2009. =)

the gifts

Last year, I’ve listed my favorite Christmas gifts. Those were all material things. I admit I liked them all. And in fact, I’m still using some of those. Or somehow, I kept them in my closet. But 2009 is/was a life-changing year and I’ve learned to count my blessings. So here are my best gifts :

THE GIFT OF LIFE - I’ve learned to thank GOD for being alive, and for having a chance to make things better each day. I am also blessed because mama is a lot better after being confined early this year. I am also glad that she has learned to value her health and thank Heavens because she is no longer acting difficult. She visits her doctor regularly, and I don’t have to remind her. I am off the “stress hook”.

THE GIFT OF LOVE - After 5 years, or maybe more, I am celebrating Christmas outside a relationship. Initially, I was expecting stress and drama. It is really a big change. For the past years, I spent Christmas eve with my family. Then, I would spend the remaining holidays in Laguna. Surely, I would miss them. They have been so nice to me. I would miss the kids. Cute, cute kids that I really adore. It isn’t easy to cut people out of your life. Especially if there is mutual love and respect. But I’m not forgetting them. My relationship with each of them is different from the relationship that ended. I think no one can take that away from us. And I’m glad because we’re alright.

I love myself more. I respect myself. And I’m ready to take another risk with someone who is likewise ready to take a chance on me. But for now, I’m loving my life. Not my independence because it is innate in me. I just feel like I’m pushing myself to the limits. I’m doing what I want and slowly, I’m becoming better. I’m slowly reaching my personal goals.

I gave my best. But I can give more. That’s what I’ve learned. And that is love.

THE GIFT OF WISDOM - BIG things happened to me. I’ve hurdled the most amazing intellectual and emotional challenge all at the same time. I’ve learned so much. And really, my perspective in life changed. I feel like I can give better pieces of advice now. I feel like I’ve been through hell and I can save others from drowning.

THE GIFT OF SHARING - I love sharing. No further explanation.This thing, I would rather keep. (Weird, I love sharing but I don’t want to share stuff about this).

THE GIFT OF FRIENDSHIP - I was too busy that I failed to give time. I’m glad that things did not change. I’m so blessed to have my real friends. I know them now. I don’t have to say who’s best. They are all best. They are all real.

THE GIFT OF ADVENTURE - Hmm… Great adventure. Something I would not repeat. But something that I cherish.

THE GIFT OF FAITH - I’m no longer impatient. Everything is destined to happen. I’m just so excited to see the future. I was born to be what I am and what I would be.

THE GIFTS - Alright. I still love the material gifts. The books from Cookie, My boss and Ate Lalaine. I love that I can now read non-law books in my own pace. Shine’s cute cute mirror. My new tumbler. And anything that would come from sis, lina, ratch and family members. In fact, they are enough. ;p

hihi

I’ve been getting gifts today. I’ve been a good girl maybe. Hihi.

I love the Books! Thanks cookie (Ang mahal naman nito. Shy ako. Hahaha) and Ma’am Riz for “Dear John”.

And also, I love Conti’s from Sir REC (I feel like a manager already. Ako lang ang hindi manager na may Conti’s) ;p

I won’t open the others. I’m testing my EQ!!! On the 23rd, I will!

winner!

If HE can fool her, then he can fool you.

* a quote from someone who won’t usually say stuff like this. ahehehe! makes sense! that’s the reason why  we could never be. (lol!) 

shredding

My second entry for the day! Yipee.

I just figured that shredding is a therapy. So I’m shredding. And now I can see things clearly. I never realized that creative ideas would emerge while those piles of paper are being divided into thin lines. The “first day at work” enthusiasm is kindov back. I have to talk to my boss!

Also…it took me months before finally reading the unread FB, FS and Multiply invites of my own “jumped into” person. Heck. And… in a few seconds, I’m deleting those mails!!! Feels good. Somehow, I think he has already served his purpose. At least to my personal growth.

Run as fast as you can.

And to those people who are creating issues… excuse me. I’m not part of your troubles.

Grey’s effect 1

You cannot do everything, and still have everything…

Nakakaimbey.

Period.

Today…

I woke up feeling free… loved… wanted…:)

I know there are obstacles along the way but I’m sure I’ll get through. I just need to visualize my dreams and I’ll have them in HIS time. I know I’m not totally alright but I found the answers. The reasons will come later on. * PATIENCE is the SCIENCE of PEACE.

I love rommel for being a brother. He made my day! And I know what he told me are all true. You are my benchmark.

I love rachelle and kuya paul for always being there. I love the eating part. I love you both and I hope you’ll be a couple again before the year ends. ;p

I love lina and kuya alex for taking care of me.

I love sistah, though she’s physically absent. I feel your love.

I love chacey! I love you for giving me the freedom to bug you anytime. You are my model. With your words, it is certain that I’ll get “there”

I love shie! I love you for being my co-dreamer of a successful career. It’s kinda weird that our prayers are all for career. But I agree that we have to enjoy reaping the “personal goals” first.

I love cookie for the power calls and texts. * Your mom is in  a better place. It’s alright to grieve though. But I’m sure you’ll get through.

I love Kuya Rey, for being my spiritual adviser.

As I’ve said, I found some answers. I’m over it. It’s time to find myself. Without guilt. Without questions. It’s just a ride.

stupid with friends

I remember posting (FB) a quote by Ralph Waldo Emerson which says that we can be stupid with real friends around. I figured that there’s really truth in that. I spent three days with the coolest people who have been my friends for like 10 years now. They’ve seen me at my best and lowest points. And really, with them, I can be stupid.

We’ve shared everything (except boys of course!). We’ve seen each other grow and change. We’ve accepted each other’s weaknesses. We’ve had our respective achievements in life. But we never forget to look back. And when we’re together, I feel like I’m still the 19-year old girl from way back. Except that I’m not.

All in all, my search for peace had been awesome.

Primarily because I spent my weekend with these people:

And yes, we can be crazy :

And we can be STUPID! Hahaha! This is the proof :

(Peace, tale! Love you!)

Btw, cookie waited for my text. Well, she waited for the “I MET SOMEONE” text. I didn’t know she was waiting for that. Hahaha! Well, I didn’t. BECAUSE I LEARNED HOW TO STOP AND SMELL THE FLOWERS. I seized the moments with my sisters! One of these days, you’ll get that text, cookie. (LOL) ;p

to disappear

There are times when I feel like I would like to disappear. But not forever. Only for a while. Or maybe I would like to be invisible. For a moment. So I would. I should. Two days to go, and I’ll burn it all. I need to. =)