I just need a BIG POWER HUG

Can you please get crazy with me?

done deal

Everyone deserves to be happy.  

I’m excited. Because I can feel that it’s on my way to me.

Somehow.

Although right now I’m doomed. ;p

But I guess that’s the way it is.

When it rains, it pours.

SO even if my heart is heavy. BECAUSE I’m so fu*^in’ stressed out!

I have faith. I need that. Still I’m learning to understand that I should wait.

That’s my WORST trait. I can’t wait. I don’t have patience.

I’ll get what I want I’ll work for it. But I should wait. For HIS go signal.

Ho-hum. ;p

summer

I’m not summer. But it would be cool if I am. I love her ways! =)

2012

“The moment we stop fighting for each other, that’s the moment we lose our humanity”  -Adrian Helmsley  

 * I had a great time watching 2012 (GB1) with neph. Glorietta was so jampacked! Gb1 was a wise move. More to come. Nice that zara is also your favorite! I love the office wear and the shoes! Awwh. Saving and pay-off mode still but in time, I’ll be able to shop again!!! Hey you look gorgeous Better off without. Haha. Peace! 

* John Cusack has always been a cute guy (for me). He looks smart. Not so Brad Pitt. But there’s something about him. He’s still the Serendipity guy in my eyes. 

* Amanda Peet looks a lot older than her A LOT LIKE LOVE days. 

* 2012 is not so different from all other “end of the world” movies. It’s just the technology. Hihi.  

* Wendy’s is getting so expensive. It’s not deserving. I would not trade Mcdo fries and Jabie Chicken and even Delifrance (which I really really heart these days). 

* I heart the young monk  

* Christian Bautista is really handsome in person.

* 2012 isn’t happening. GOD loves us. We just need to change and care about the world we live in. Maybe embrace the inventions and the ever-changing technology. But we should be human beings. We should care. We should not be self-centered. We should share. We should live with a purpose, and it must be worthwhile.

no to emo

After all the emotera entries during the past month, I realized that I’ve already written the necessaries. =) I’ve said what I felt. I’ve poured it out. So now, I’m putting an end to this emo-emo.

My next entries would probably dwell on travels, career and worthwhile issues.

Thanks to myrel for the sermonette! Indeed, I am blessed in many ways.

Good morning friends! =)

truth lies

I have to believe that things aren’t always what they seem.  That’s the best thought that I have to live through. After all, I’m good in seeing the beauty behind every ugly piece of reality.

It’s funny though because I can do it without effort. I’m slowly discovering things that would have hurt me long ago. It’s just surprising that I’m accepting them now as they are. Just like raw facts. Just like processed information. Just like thin air that goes in and out of my ears.

Is this abnormal? Not feeling hurt. Not feeling pain. Not cursing.

These pieces of information should have been multiple slaps on the face. They should have struck my pride. They should have broken my esteem. But they don’t.

Am I numb? Am I still human?

So many things were hidden from me. Rather, so many words were left unsaid so I could blame myself for not being the best that I could be. Some people think that I faulted. I never said I didn’t. But they have to be in my place to understand. I wish they would know how it feels.

For some reason, I stopped caring about what people say. I don’t know. I got tired? I’m even too lazy to text or answer calls of someone I just met. It’s just tiring to spend time on people who are just around to bug and mess my time. It’s intuition. Maybe he’ll just invite me to a multi-level marketing scheme so I keep on concocting lies so he won’t feel like I’m avoiding him. Hihihi.

I want to be around positive people. They don’t have to lie to me. I don’t have to lie to them. Good thing, I know who they are now. I have a list. My office mates told me a while ago that I have so many friends who give me stuff. They want to meet my friends too. They ask why my friends send me stuff and give me money. Hahaha. Well, maybe I’ve been a good girl. But really, it’s not what they give me that count. It’s really the kind of friendship that I have with them. It’s knowing your flaws and lies, and still loving everything about you.

what should i do? where do i start?

:(

no definition

   The other night, an old friend treated me out on a dinner at Eastwood. It was a group dinner but since I’m still recovering from my “leave without pay” status, and because, they teased him for not supporting my recent endeavor, he paid for my share. They came by our place to pick me up because I was home early from an official business.

    I couldn’t remember the last time I was in his car but I could recall those moments when I had it as my comfort zone. I remember those days when I would cry because of an old broken heart and he wouldn’t mind at all. He would just drive. Sometimes, I would be sleeping because I was so tired juggling work and school and heartache. He would not wake me up and he would just drive and listen to my choice of fm station. 

   He made things easy for me and for that, I was grateful. But if I could go back and change things, I would not want to be in that circumstance. I would prefer to have my “one of the boys” status if it means saving him as a friend. I would gladly take the nasty comments about my new clothes, pointed shoes, getting fat, having make-up, bad hair day and being late for work.

   There were times when I felt sorry for taking so much of his time. It was too late when I realized that it didn’t belong to me. I felt sorry for crying and talking because it was likewise late when it came to me that he was not obliged to listen. I wouldn’t want to talk to him again if it’s about the past. I want to bury the bad stuff. But there are some things that I want to say.  

   First, I admire him for standing up from his mistakes and choosing his silence. Second, I thank him for ignoring me for years, while making me feel in some weird ways that he cares. And lastly, I want to congratulate him for being a better man that he is now.

   What we’ve had has no definition. I never questioned his emotions. I never heard him say what he really felt for me. Just the same, he never asked me. While some people say that it should have been cleared long ago, I beg to disagree. There’s no point in defining something if you can’t handle the consequence. It was not proper to say that you feel something for each other if you know that both of you are in love with someone else.  

   There are so many relationship quotes in circulation. Sometimes they fit, sometimes they don’t. This time, I would agree that falling in love can be a decision. Hmm… but if could choose my fate, I would like to fall in love loosely … when it is meant…when it fits… when it is written… when it is bound … when we are right for each other… when he would stand for me… when he would stay… when he could take my flaws, and I could love his… In His time.

my way of saying goodbye to a one-time prince

This is my way of saying goodbye to a one-time prince. Well, it’s not so literal, and yet not so figurative. In our lives, we get to meet people who exist to build our character. I would say that I am happy to have met a one-time prince. Maybe because he was there during those times when I needed escape from a reality that imprisoned my existence. It was sortov a thin fairytale book where you get a happy ending. However, it was just a phase in the real world.

Unlike the old fairytales that I’ve read, not all princes come to stay. Not all princes are charming. Some may really fall in love with you. Some would just run away. And so, life is always a game. Win or lose, the rule is you have to play it well. Maybe I wasn’t and I’m not a a damn good player, but I did well. Whether it’s a win or lose for me, I could never tell. Only time can.

Now I am saying farewell to my one-time prince. I wish I was able to give a warm hug, but I know it would be futile because he was only a spirit that I could never feel. I hope I could shake his hand but it means touching nothing. A part of me wanted to convey this in person but it would be impossible because I could never go back to the other side of the world.

Our story did not have a sad ending. I am actually happy. I don’t know if he is. There’s no way I could send him a text message to ask. Our technology doesn’t reach the world that he lives in. Somehow, a part of me was wishihg he would never forget me, or the things that we’ve shared. But I realized that it’s not possible so I resorted to wishing that the magic mirror would remind him someday.  Or maybe when he comes back for a visit, he would be able to read this. I really have nothing to say anymore except that, I prayed for him and  I lighted a candle as much as I could for some unknown reason.

And they lived happily ever after…as good friends…in different worlds… THE END.

silence

If only it could speak, I know it would muster so much courage to express how it feels. That it’s dying, and is dying  more and more each day. On second thought, maybe it wouldn’t speak at all for it would take so much time identifying the right choice of words. It would probably cry because it won’t be able to identify what or who really causes pain, or what would really take it away.

At one point,it could just lie flat on bed and stare at the ceiling. Maybe count sheeps, or imagine stars shining from up above. Fill in the blanks, fill out the spaces.It would do everything necessary to be sane, but probably, at one point, it would just give up and declare itself unwell.

It would take days and unending moments to be able to move again. It should live. It should get a life and move forward. It should see the sun shining. Maybe follow the rainbow and see what’s on the other side. It is aware of the possibilities and realities of life but the unknown emotions are blocking its senses.

Nothing is permanent. Truth is, a particular state of mind or state of feeling could change in a blink. Well, it is aware that after all the confusion and the so called “feeling alone”, there’s happiness. Maybe a right moment, when it could just stand up and say that “this is what I ever wanted”. Or a point when it would be at peace in taking the path that was created for it. It is smart enough to know that…

But for now, it is empty. For no reason. For unknown reasons. For every reason. And no one would ever feel the same under similar circumstances. It should take a leap. It should analyze what could be missing. But it’s hard when all that’s left is SILENCE.

learning from people

I’m working now. Supposedly. But I’m still trying to get a grasp of what I was doing five (5) months before. I forgot my password. I forgot about my files. As much as possible, I don’t want to roam around because I’m already tired of repeating the answer to the same old (already) question. One Jap boss seemed so happy when he saw me last monday because we almost did the “apir tayo” greeting. And there’s this super strict Jap who told me “long time no see”. And of course the Filipino bosses who asked me about the exams. And everybody else. I would find myself smiling and saying : ” Ok lang po. It’s up to HIM na.” And I mean it.

Things are still ugly here in Pasig. On our way to the office, we still need to take the shuttle truck because the real shuttle bus could not get through the waters along Sandoval St. and Mercedez Avenue. I wanted to take photo shots but I don’t want to look like some tourists who see these things for the first time. There are floaters around. Some made of wood. Some are improvised : bath tub, ref, kariton, air bed. Some have colors and designs of sorts. Creativity at its best. Some would appear funny but thinking about how difficult things are…sigh. Imagine, hinihila lang at tinutulak yung mga floaters. Muscular power. Nakababad yung paa nila run for so many hours. Just to earn a living. Nakakabilib because they use their means and they don’t beg.

Someone almost sacrificed his lfe kanina just to save himself from the waters. Sumabit sa isang truck. Nagkasalubong ung trucks namin and muntik na siyang mapitpit. Right in front of me. It was so nerve wrecking and I really shouted. Imagine, pag napitpit siya run, there’s a chance na wiwisik ang blood niya sa’min. Horrible. Ang mamatay ng dahil sa baha.

Kuya Junie told me that they still don’t have electricity. It has been more than a week and though their house is free from flood, they still can’t get out without using the floaters. It’s like Php 50.00 per person. What he did : He commissioned someone to build two improvised wooden boats. Business Minded. Now he doesn’t have to pay for his fare and he still gets boundary for the two boats. In one week, kumita na siya.

Our technical manager came by my desk and of course we talked about the bar exams. But he stayed for a sensible chat. We ended up talking about the tribes in Mindanao. He said he wants coffee so I gave him 1 bag of Jimm’s. Hehe.Told him that goes for diabetic. Syempre, nagtimpla siya mag-isa. Haha. Anyway, he told me he wanted to be a lawyer but his parents did not allow him to enter law school. His mother is a retired clerk of court. Ngayon ko lang nalaman na dati pala pwede maging clerk of court ang hindi lawyer.

I’m still not in the mood for work. I’m just swaying with time, observing and enjoying the ride. Sometimes pala, we just need to pause. Kahit walang effort, we can always learn from other individuals .

thank you

I waited for this day. I hope I would be able to remember everyone without tears. It’s over. And I would like to congratulate myself not for anything else, but for being strong, self-supporting and independent even before I entered law school. Let me just brag because I own the night. I’m just proud of myself because all throughout my academic life, I was sustained by innate independence. And since I’m marking this day as the end of my formal education, I would like to thank everyone…every single institution who spent for me =) And of course, I would like to thank every single person who were there for me in any way during the last 5 months. I’ve never felt so loved in my entire existence.

almost over…

I’ve already marked this day as “freedom day”. But due to some unforeseen circumstances, my freedom is currently on hold, at least for another week.I’m currently setting aside how I feel about this because so many people are suffering. And theirs is much greater than taking the bar exams and being imprisoned by personal ambition. I could not be grateful enough because my loved ones are fine. But I am one with so many people in praying. We could not take another typhoon as strong as this one. 

And So I’ve Learned/Bending Principles

This is probably the only thing that I could write until my thank you list. Malapit na. =p

I’ve been having ugly thoughts. Sometimes I’m having wonderful dreams that I become too scared to wake up and embrace the real thing. My life these past few months was/is a rollercoaster. Things come, things go. Some of my so-called principles became remnants of the past for I broke them. Somehow. But I guess it is cool to break rules sometimes as long as it does not become a habit. And maybe as long as you don’t throw yourself down the well. To borrow the wisdom of one my closest boy friends, Rhys. Incidentally, this is to answer your questions Bok. It’s just that I could no longer discuss things in person. Rest assured that I’m not down the well, just the tip of my hair. =p

I’ve learned so many things, and I need to jot these down because I won’t have the same touch of emotions that would make me write after two months.

1. The best things in life are free. It’ all about laughing without inhibitions… It’s having friends who care…It’s kissing someone when you mean it, and knowing somehow, in slight probability, that he means it too…It’s about being in a wrong place and yet capturing a perfect moment…It’s the innocent smile of an innocent kid…It’s when I smile back when a nice stranger smiles…It’s about living your life for others, and being guided by GOD.

2.  I can be impulsive, but I’m only human. I can be objective but the heart doesn’t lie. And the mind sometimes works with it.

3.  Judgments should be based on factual considerations.

4.   I can actually eat food that I don’t eat. Raul made me eat chicken feet, and someone made me eat balot. Not bad.

5.  Money comes when you don’t think about having none. Though I already missed paydays, I’m still alive. I’m still eating what I want. I’m still buying what I need. I can still buy things that I want. Konti lang.

6.   I’m not in a rush. I’m still young. Although Raul keeps on saying that my value would depreciate once I get the roll number, I don’t care! It’s their problem if they don’t want me. I don’t want them too. Hehehe. I guess I know what I want now. It’s just someone who’ll make me believe in him: in what he does, in what he thinks, in what he says. That’s all. When I reach 30, I guess I’ll consider the “trip to Venice”.

7.   People are different.

8.   I’m not so smart after all. But I have strong faith. And good memory.

9.   There’s nothing wrong with being nice.

10.  Lastly, I’ve learned that I can forgive totally and absolutely. My driving force right now is the thought of taking the oath. I already told mama that I want papa to be there. I just want to give them both the bliss of seeing me there. I don’t know if I could love him as much as I love mama but he’s got the genes and I’m blessed to have inherited some.

I’m loving peace right now.

the thing is…

People keep on asking if I’m ok. And I would tell them that I am. Surprisingly. But lately, I realized that somehow, there’s this unexplained feeling of something that I can’t even describe. Tolerable but existing. Maybe it’s because of the people who existed during our existence. It somehow broke my heart when he told me that everybody was asking why I was absent. It must have been difficult to explain why. I have attended almost all the significant events in their lives and I have met great people in the process. It just felt like I have evaded them without any word. I’m pretty sure that they will understand naman. I also think that nothing will change. But then, nakakalungkot din.

I agree that maybe it’s harder the second time because this one is not adversarial. This one’s not because I am angry or he’s mad. This one’s something that is inevitable. But the bottomline is that, no matter what people say, we know what happened. We know what we’ve missed in the process. We know that it’s the best thing to do. And maybe, there’s a greater plan for both of us.

so we can be friends?

I know you still read my blog. I hope. I know you don’t want my uber long sentences but you have to bear with me if you’ll read this.

The bad news came to me as a surprise but as I’ve told you, lolo is in a better place now. At one point, I felt sorry that these things came to you at a very wrong time. But I’m glad that you told me. I’m still me. I’m still your friend. I may not be there anymore for the hugs, or for the pat on the back, but I’m still here. Just remember the things that I would tell you whenever you feel so low : you’ll be fine. You just have to be strong and positive. And remember the people who care the most about you.

I had to choose my path because it was the best for us. I just have to tell you that “almost 5 years” is not crap. Maybe we’ve become two difficult people. Maybe we’ve had our own excesses and shortcomings. Maybe we failed to see each other on a two-way street. But I assure you that I am so grateful for so many things.

The awkward phase came about last saturday. I wanted to say hi, but i felt like maybe it was off at the moment. I don’t know if it was ok. I was still testing the waters. Your text message last night gave me the go signal that yes, we can be still be friends as we have been during the last five years. I’m so happy.

As your friend, I would like to tell you that:

The next time you fall in love, I hope that she’ll be better than me in many ways. I hope she won’t be stubborn. I hope she’ll also listen to what your heart and mind convey. I hope she’ll understand that you’re busy. She has to respect your silence. She has to allow you to do things on your own. She has to know that you want to try out so many things. She has to come with you to all those places that you want to see. She should go shopping with you. She has to agree that pink looks good on you.

The next time I fall in love, I’ll make sure that he is better because I know you’ll get mad if he’s not. I’ll make sure that he understands my moods. He has to know that I love coffee, and at times, I would ask him to buy or prepare one for me. He has to know that when I take the cab alone, we should wait for the branded ones and he should get the plate number. He has to know that I love movies, and at times malling is my therapy. He has to know that I get the worst cramps every month and he should understand. He has to know that I can be quite vocal about the erratic people and things around me. Lastly, he has to know that he needs to say sorry when he erred.

I really don’t know how to end this. Thank you? Good luck? See you around? Or maybe all of the above…

P.S. 

I will never forget the taste of emams’ kare-kare. I will always be thankful for the Sunday dinner that she would send straight from Lumban. I love emams. I thank all of them for making me feel like I was part of the family.

untitled

Still, I don’t have the right words. I guess it just came to a point that words are no longer needed.Or maybe I could no longer verbalize things. But people would ask. Some started asking. And I couldn’t answer. Not because I don’t know the answer. I don’t own it alone, I can’t give it alone. I just have ten things to say. And after these ten things, I hope we can already move forward.

1. It was a risky move.

2. I am thankful for everything.

3. I have learned so much and I know that I am a better person now.

4. I prayed and I got the answers.

5. I deserve to be treated right. He deserves to be understood.

6. I’m finding myself.

7. Relationships don’t have to be uncool. It is best to let each other grow individually.

8. I can be myself.

9. Trust is a sacred virtue.

10. I can love and think at the same time.

one Holy Week in our lives

Many years ago, three friends decided to go on a trip. Without knowing and planning for their exact destination, they went to the bus station and started an exciting and unforgettable adventure that made a mark in their respective lives. Back then, life wasn’t so complicated. Or maybe, not as complicated as it is now. Sadly, one of them forgot to bring the camera. Grrh. Phones weren’t so techie at that time. I think I only had 3210 or 3310. So we weren’t able to document the adventure. However, odd experiences linger. The memory makes me smile up to this day. Good thing that my long term memory works better than the short one. Hehe. Ok, I forgot the camera.

So where are we now?

Yeng is now in UAE. Still lovely. And working hard for her equally lovely daughter and my cheek-alike ASHLEY. Many years ago, she was hopelessly in love (peace, sis!) with Mr. A. Another Mr. A (now miss) was going after her. Hahaha! Back then, we were trying out different small time businesses, eating pancit canton and isaw, watching E channel all day, enjoying Greenhills shopping center, talking about shitty boys, falling in and out of love (or crush?). Now, we are talking about the future. The not too distant one. And we know that we’ll get to where we want to go. Soon. Err, I think she is still torn (between two lovers, feeling like a fool!)

Myll is now seriously loving his sweetie. It occured after so many “sweeties”. I can’t even remember their names. Back then, he was dazed and confused about what he really wanted. He told us that he couldn’t find independent women like us (yeng and i). I’m just glad that he has already found that “profound” love that made him stay attached.

And Michelle? That’s me. Back then, I was not looking into a serious relationship. During that trip, I wasn’t really with anyone. Or if I were, I just can’t remember. Hahaha. Marriage is still not in the bag. But I’ll get there. For now, I would like to marry my dream. I’m sure, so sure that I do. I DO. I DO. I DO! hahahaha! Please, I do. =) Ohh…Back then, we never thought that I’d go to law school. But I know that they want this for me. As much. =)

this is it

At this point, I already made a decision. I’m so excited, and yet I’m scared. But something tells me that the path that I’m taking is written. My dream is my own and nothing else, no one else could ever stop me. My mind is full of crap but it doesn’t matter now. There’s no holding back. I have to do well. With GOD’s grace.

The future is not clear but I’m keeping my faith.

THIS IS IT! THIS IS REALLY IS IT!

I’m officially: ON LEAVE (at least from unnecessary stuff/office leave starts may 1)

thank you =)

I started writing this post at the back of a response letter from MTSLA (Manila Teachers Savings & Loan Association). It is the institution that figuratively brought my feet to law school. It paid for my tuition fee, books, etc.  for about four (4) years until that fateful day when I got my one and only failed mark. ;( I lost the grant and I didn’t have the face to appeal inspite of their notice that I could get it back on the following semester. I just didn’t have time to do it. Pride maybe. But last month, I wrote them a letter due to my “thin” bar savings. I got the response! I was surprised to know that they have already discontinued the law scholarship program. I guess we were the last batch. Good thing though, they heard me with half ear. Ü They gave me half of my request and it is something that would make me survive for two months (based on my calculation). So for now, my PALM is staying. yuhu! BIG HUG, MTSLA. I’ll do well. With God’ s grace. And someday, somehow, I’ll GIVE BACK in ways that GOD only knows. =) THANK YOU!